Day 59, Change 2, Leave that Man alone....

Change #2:

I know this will come as an absolute shock to my sweet loving husband & family, but er uh... sometimes I can be a teensy, weensy, tiny bit of a nag....

Ok fine... You gots ta claim it, to change it...

I HAVE BEEN A NAG!

I blame my mother for this side of me. It is one of the many thing about the woman I call mama that drives me abso-damn-lutely craaazzzyy!

She just can't leave folks alone. I mean she is on top of me at all times! AT ALL TIMES! Constantly calling me, hawking me, NAGGGIIINNNGG MEEEE!

I mean, it use to make my skin visibly bristle. A sista like me was busting out in hives all day eerreeday as a young girl. But somehow I made it thru all that. Just Fine Only slightly crazy, which is a triumph!

So now as I find myself placed firmly in the position of Mama with a husband, a daughter, a step-daughter, and a stepson, I can feel it.

Damn, I can almost taste it.

The hot, nasty, trash infested, stank, nasty breath of the nag monster breathing on my neck trying its very best to come out of my mouth and inhabit my soul.

Try again, Homie! I'm on to you now... And you will be stopped immediately.

THE DEFINITION OF A NAG

1.	to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands.

2.	to keep in a state of troubled awareness or anxiety, as a recurrent pain or problem

3.	to find fault or complain in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner

4.	to cause pain, discomfort, distress, depression, etc. (often fol. by at)

I didn't get it before. I realize that nagging is nothing but arrogance,anxiety, insecurity,nervousness,and a shot of good intention left out to rot.

Growing up the way, I did with a mother who was a nag left me "in a state of troubled awareness and anxiety." I desperately love my mother but I realize that some mistakes were made. My father was not a nice man. My mother would nag him to craziness at times. This doesn't excuse his at times out and out deplorable behavior but I understand being pushed to the edge by a nag. Maybe that was just the way she found to deal with the madness. She made a mistake in that area. I will make mistakes with my family too. But I will not make this one.

I.

Will.

Not.

NAG.

I will not stress my people with constant questions, demands, and worries.


I will NOT nag my husband into craziness.

I will leave that man alone...

He has always done exactly what he says he is going to do. So there is no need to constantly question him about everything. I don't need to look over his shoulder as he is doing anything. I need to stop being frantic that one day he will just up and stop being the man that I know him to be. He is smart, funny, honest, faithful, strong, hard working, and he loves me. I will stop complaining about the way that he does those things. I will stop nagging him to love me better or differently. I will stop asking him constantly if he loves me. I will stop hawking him for love. He love me. He shows and tells me all the time.

I will NOT nag my husband into craziness.

All of this madness comes from one place and one place alone. Sometimes, I am scared of everything. Not can't go out the house scared, but just can't chill and go with the flow, scared. Its not all the time not even most of the time. But its enough of the time.

Reading that definition of a nag hit me hard. I am stepping out of this constant "state of troubled awareness and anxiety." Its not helpful.

I did it once. For the wedding. I can honestly say for that whole day I just let go and let God. I trusted every single decision I had made. I trusted the people I hired to do their jobs and handle them well without my nagging. I made a conscious decision to just enjoy. Everybody kept asking me aren't you worried? Aren't you nervous? But I wasn't. How could I have been. That day was the day when my baby love would officially be my husband. The man that he is, the love that we have, the life that we are creating: these things give me unspeakable joy. He has finally given me peace.

So I will not blemish that with the worry, anxiety and nagging. I will stop worrying that one day he will look at me and think hold fast, this is all I got. I will stop worrying that one day the love will go away. I, begrudgingly, admit this is possible.

But will the constant worry make it impossible?

NOPE.

So, I'm going to enjoy. I'm going to enjoy love and being loved. I'm going to smile when my husband calls me baby cause that's all I ever wanted. I'm going to be thankful when he makes me undercooked potatoes for breakfast because ummm my husband just made me breakfast.What the hell could be wrong with that?! I'm going to laugh as loud as he does in public cause who cares... We're happy! I'm going to enjoy my love.

I will no longer be so frantic with worry and anxiety that I can't relax for just a few moments everyday and just enjoy the flow of life.

I apologize to myself for endlessly nagging myself out of some of the greatest experiences of life!

I apologize to myself for all the things I never did. I apologize for nagging myself out of a four year scholarship!

I apologize to myself for not starting My Design Diva the moment the idea struck me.

I apologize to my stepchildren for nagging them about cleaning their rooms, and dressing warmly when going out in the snow. (Especially since I rarely do any of those things myself)

So honey, I admit it, when I check the babies diaper after you've changed it, I am more than just concerned that the diapers may be faulty. Somewhere deep in the arrogantly, insecure recesses of my mind, I am so full of myself that I am convinced you will do it wrong. That's rude. That's disrespectful. That's unkind. That's not who I am. Thank god you know that.

I'm sorry baby.

I' m sorry for being to scared to go rollerskating with you, biking with you, skiing with you, ALIVE with you!

I apologize for shushing you in the movie theater when you laugh SO loud. It really was hilarious when that happened that one time.

My most heartfelt appologies, for being so married to my fear that I neglected you my real husband.

I apologize for freaking out when you pinch my booty when we are walking down the street.

I apologize for being so scared you will be unfaithful to me that I become a detective and treat you like a criminal when I can't pinpoint your exact whereabouts for more than 15 minutes of any given time.

I apologize for being so frantic . I'm working on it, my love. I will conquer the nag within. I appreciate your kindness and understanding as I work this out.

Stay fierce, fabulous, and fearless,

Senam

Head Diva in Charge

My Design Diva...